Kristina: So we are back! Since this is supposedly the season finale (although there are the Vegas wedding episodes in a few weeks), we decided to make our Degrassi posts a thing. I love fun, witty banter, don’t you?
K: That’s all you have to say about bouncing off witty banter with me?
K: Well, ok then…. on with the episodes! First of all, we must talk about the Adam storyline. Becky is trying to get in touch with him, but he won’t respond. Adam is interested in a new girl who I never seen before. She leaves him her number, and they go out on a date. Adam is super nervous, so he consults big bro Drew for some advice.
D: And what does big bro give him? A leather jacket, of course - the true uniform of any real man. Jimmy Dean, Spike from Buffy. The Fonz. With this, he hopes to truly done the mantle before he goes out on a date with his new lady friend. Oh, but wait, gentle readers! Adam isn’t really a “he” so much as a “she” in a transitional phase. Drew wonders, what will happen should this lady friend get a little, shall we say, grabby. Well, he’s just got the solution for that. Why doesn’t Adam just wear a cucumber under his pants all day? It’s not only phallic, it’s a totally subtle replacement for a real penis!
K: Drew somehow just had that cucumber lying around, I guess he won’t need that for his salad. They go on their shopping date, and lo and behold, she gets grabby as they make out in the dressing room! Aren’t all Drew’s right about everything?
D: And then, wouldn’t ya know it, Adam’s secret is exposed. Nope, sorry Date-Girl, it really was just a cucumber in his pants the whole time. But I feel the kid’s pain. Boy, if I had a a nickle for every time that happened to….. Never mind. I’m right about most things, though. For instance, I could have told Adam it was a completely stupid idea and saved him the trouble of finding out first-hand.
K: That results in a second date, which by the way, have them eating hot dogs. I can’t be the only one to find that a bit odd….. In the end, the girl was just using Adam to steal their song for battle of the bands. She seemed to feel bad about it, but it was still super bitchy of her to do. The guitarist in her band pokes fun at the whole cucumber situation, Adam responds with a fist to the face! YEAH.
D: Proving once again, it’s not what’s on the outside that counts - it’s the real man inside. Problem is, Adam’s justified defense of his pride lands his band a disqualification. Which may not have been the worst thing in the world, because, honestly, I don’t think they were really contenders for first place, anyway.
K: We will elaborate more on that fabulous band in a sec, but Becky and Adam see each other once again. Becky says that the therapy isn’t working and her feelings are still there! Adam doesn’t want to sneak around at first, but then quickly changes his mind after knowing that Becky definitely wants to be with him. Becky’s dad walks in on them (not in a bad way), and they hold hands sending a message to him. Wasn’t that such a sweet moment?
D: Yeah, but see, what I can’t help but point out here is how much this guy reminds me of Howie Mandel. But that’s neither here nor there. There’s still the small matter of the Battle of the Bands. Or whatever it’s Canadian High School equivalent is. What about the rest of the band? They’re still pretty pissed off that Adam got them booted from the roster, because god forbid somebody make you feel foolish for doing something so intelligent as sliding a cucumber in your pants and hoping it passes for a real penis. He has to set things right, dammit! Or he could never live with himself. So, he approached Chaz Bono - who I understand also belongs to the same pan-sexual club as Adam. Adam throws himself before the mighty judges feet, and pleads forgiveness for the recklessness of his actions.
K: How could I forget Chaz’s appearance? Well, the band can still play, as long as Adam isn’t performing with them. Can we also talk about the fact that this band uses a LITTLE TIKES KEYBOARD?
D: I don’t know what these kids are playing. I don’t know what obscure genre of music this is, but it sounds like… I don’t even know what it sounds like. Like something wrapping a toy keyboard, while someone else plays a cello, and.. I don’t know, it’s a mess. Like I said, not exactly contenders for first place. Still, they could have an enduring popularity on the internet as some youtube meme.
K: They are really a hot mess. The small storyline in there is that Zig has feelings for Maya after they accidentally kissed. I feel like this has been going on forever. Maya claims her love for Cam (who really should get out of the closet by now) but Tori overhears everything backstage and runs off.
D: I’ll be honest, compared to the cucumber fiasco, this whole thing was barely on my radar. But yeah, Maya’s barking up the wrong tree. This kid’s practically the new Marco.
K: If he isn’t the new Marco, he needs to GTFO. Lastly, we have Eli and Clare, probably my favorite Degrassi couple of the season. Problem: Eli is not allowed to stay at Clare’s past 8, but Jake is allowed to roller skate and have Katie over as late as he pleases. She tries to ask Jake for help, so Eli can stay later. That plan fails, because Clare’s mom invited her out to some craft fair. DARN, MOM RUINING EVERYTHING. Eli is still hanging out with Jake, and the roller skater himself has a great idea: Let’s get high! This high storyline does not beat out the Paige one. (“I… AM SO…. HIGH.”) Memories.
D:Yeah, except right as the merry duo are roller skating around, big “I’m totally high” smiles on their faces, mom and Claire Wassername come home. Claire, sensing that Eli is completely BAKED OUT OF HIS HEAD, decides to shoo him off upstairs to her room, before her mom notices. Problem is, it doesn’t take long before she does notice. Claire runs upstairs to check on Eli, who is curled up nice and cozy in her bed. See, he thought she said, “Go to BED.” Not, “Go to my BEDROOM”. So there he is, hanging out shirtless, and I guess to this stoned mind, the whole thing may have simply seemed like a clever pickup. That’s just about the time Claire’s mom comes walking in, and she is not happy to see a NAKED boy in her room. You know, with his NIPPLES exposed and everything.
K: Mrs. Edwards is not pleased, but then Clare rats out on Jake saying that he gave the pot to Eli after he was forbidden from coming over. Clare also calls a family meeting, where she puts out COOKIES. I don’t even think they did that shit on Full House.
D: Actually, I can’t blame here. At a tense family meeting like that, cookies would lighten the mood. I mean, who doesn’t like chocolate chip cookies, fresh from the oven. Anyway, Claire makes her argument to the council. Jake gets to do whatever he wants, it’s ridiculous that Eli can’t come over, so on and so forth.
K: Everyone is fighting, so Clare just grabs the car keys and drives off to Eli. After realizing she left, Clare’s mom called her and said she can stay out till 11. Hooray!
D: So, guys and dolls, that about concludes this weeks adventures with the adolescent angst over at Degrassi High. Cucumber strap-on’s, and…. well I’ll be honest, that’s all I can remember when all is said and done.
K: See you at the Vegas wedding shit show!